Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Seriously Stephen King?

Dear Stephen King, I am not averse to thick novels.  Did you know that the very first novel I ever read, when I was 12 years old, was "It"? Which I picked up at a yard sale based almost entirely on its thickness. I just had a desire to get through such a huge mound of paper.  Why just last week I started in on "Anna Karenin".

But today, your massive novel "Under The Dome" arrived for me at the library. I'll admit to part of the blame here. I should have really thought about how gigantic this was when I placed it on hold. Now, I haven't read all of your books, I am not one of those hardcore Stephen King fans. I have enjoyed a few of them, however, and I am quite fond (as fond as you can be while having your stomach turn) of "Gerald's Game". This book seemed particularly interesting to me, so I went ahead and put it on hold, foolishly. 

Mr. King, did you know some people can't afford $40 books? I am one of those people. I am a library patron. Oh great library, knowledge and entertainment for free! Did you know that libraries have a 3 week limit on borrowing books? They do. Do you think I can read this in 3 weeks? I don't. I will try, but my hopes are not high. My brother even suggested mailing me his copy, which I could then read at my leisure, and return to him. The shipping would actually cost more than the book, so that option is out. No one else I know owns this book. I do not like to steal, so that option is out. Plus, really, how does one steal a 4 pound book? Was that your intention sir, to prevent theft? Well, bravo.

I have just learned, in my desperate search to not have to try to read this in 3 weeks, that "Under The Dome" will be out in trade paperback in early July! For around $20. I mean, yeah, that's half the price, but, I still don't have $20 to spend on books. Especially when said book is already sitting in my apartment, waiting to be read, for free. For the next 3 weeks.

Mr. King, despite not being a super fan, I have always had a soft spot for you. There have been times when I have claimed you to be adorable and even cute. But mister, you are pushing your luck.

I will try my damnedest to get this book read in 3 weeks. I got through Linden MacIntyre's "The Bishop's Man" in its 1 week rapid read time limit. "Under The Dome" is only, oh, I don't know, TEN THOUSAND times longer than that.

In conclusion, please consider your library readers next time you have a few days to fire off a new novel. Or, failing that, send me all future books for free.

A fan.

P.S. Starting with a map? Do you know how daunting that is?! The last book I read with a map was "The Hobbit". 10 years ago. It took my 9 months to wade through that snoozefest, and it was super puny!

Okay, you get points for the name Fernald Bowie and for Dogs of Note.

At least when I return this to the library, I will have lost 4 pounds.  And not because I brought back the book, because I won't have time to eat in the next 3 weeks. Now, to stop blogging and start reading. This better be good King!